*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
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Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Finally, an explanation.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college