*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
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when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Mouse
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I missed you with all my darts
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
No, he would not have.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.