Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
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I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
went fishing caught a bass
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Breaking news:
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds