wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
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Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots