[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
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Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.