[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
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“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
crochet youtube is brutal
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.