Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
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Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”