@TheEighthKnight: Making fun of someone you're angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
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@AnOrangeSNES: Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
@briancthayer: *licks excess icing off mixer & spoon* Wife: Aww, thanks hun! Me: For what? W: Doing my dishes! M: Oh, I didn-- W: ... M: You're welcome.
@TheDailySchmuck: Every time I'm the only black person at a party I think: "Wow. I helped them make quota."
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: *gets in pool* Come on in. 4-year-old: No, there might be sharks. Me: 4: Me: 4: Me: *gets out of pool*