ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
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HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
The Sun’s probably Asian.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night