[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
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Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
“That’s what” – She
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.