I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
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*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Webb. James Webb.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me