If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
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Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar