Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
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Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.