[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
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I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit