Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
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Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Otters drive ottermobiles.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Erm I’m gonna say no
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.