Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
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I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?