@WPLGLocal10: Man arrested after accidentally texting probation officer asking if he had any weed
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@psinerd: When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say "Sure".
@OneFunnyMummy: I don't know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
@StellaRtwot: I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can't find me drinking in the closet.
@papasuncle: When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.