every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
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People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.