@celticrose2312: Man at garage: "Are you claiming this off your own insurance?" Me: "Yes. I don't think the deer I hit had any insurance."
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@david8hughes: [first day working at the pizzeria] Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we've run out of everything
@flashember: *plane crashes in ocean* *washes ashore island* *imprisoned by crabs* *rises to become Crab Emperor* *assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
@KLobstar: [seaside wedding] We are gathered here today to celebrate the- [bride picked up by giant seagull] -completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
@ArfMeasures: JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I'll let u go free ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY