I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
You Might Also Like
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Last-minute gift idea!
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are