Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
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Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
This is true.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I wish I could veto my bills.