[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
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Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.