*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
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6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.