Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
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Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
This a good idea
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?