(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
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my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.