If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
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Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Meow
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I didn’t realize that was an option
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.