man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
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“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.