[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
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Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
we’re dead?
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.