[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
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every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.