MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
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I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
This line from Airplane.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’