If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
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Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
yes… yes…
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.