Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
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My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
@funTweeters
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.