Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
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I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
❤️❤️❤️
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
When they try to steal your moment.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
accurate
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him