My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
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BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
dutch so unserious
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.