Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
You Might Also Like
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
🌱🌱🌱
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”