Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
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I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
dogs can find happiness so easily
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.