@badbanana: Man, the way these journalists are complaining it's like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
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@boredbostonian: I'm glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
@TheWadest: Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
@maisondecris: MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed? ME: [looks at camera]