If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
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If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
wtf is a larm clock?
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
The old gods are rising again.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
ok this is my dumbest yet
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.