I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE