Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
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I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.