Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
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Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.