Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
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[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Hello Twits.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?