Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
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My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us