Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
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Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Weirdly Wednesday.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work