Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
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bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.