Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
You Might Also Like
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I’m crying im so happy for them
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.