Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
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You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them