[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
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Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!