Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
You Might Also Like
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
This meal prepping shit easy
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*