Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
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Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
That 👊
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train