Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
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I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I put the mess in domestic.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.