No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
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For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…