Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
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I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.