“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
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Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.